It’s that time of year, that point where I acknowledge that it’s the New Year for me, and I talk about my goals, and my desires, and my failings. I usually make my birthday posts at least slightly humorous, but I’m not feeling much in a humorous mood this year.
I am feeling overwhelmed. And tired. And grateful. And confident. And anxious. And sad.
I’ve spent a lot of time this past year coming to grips with some uncomfortable things in my past. Facing them more directly has been freeing in ways I could never imagine, but it has also been a time of reflection that has brought about a courage to be myself that I hadn’t realized I’d been lacking.
I didn’t start 2018 with the intent to start publishing books. I didn’t think that was something I wanted until I woke up one day last spring and asked myself what the hell I was waiting for.
I had been told for so long that I needed to find validation outside myself that even though I had shed that belief system and the people who had told me such lies, I had still been internalizing that bullshit to the point that I didn’t think I was worthy enough to self-publish.
Deciding that my book deserved to be read changed everything. I finally felt like I had settled into the self I knew I’d always been , but had been told wasn’t good enough to reveal.
Well, the cat’s out of the bag now.
I’m leaving pretty happy in my own skin these days and have plans to publish more books this year and to keep writing.
But I am also nervous. I’m anxious I won’t be able to live up to my own standards. I’m worried about letting my family down when we move into the family house in the next couple of months.
I want to make everyone proud. I want to love the place. Repair it. Plant flowers. Raise chickens. Teach the boys how to grow vegetables.
It has been a year of change, and as I embrace my New Year, I am acknowledging that I am purposefully embarking on a year of more intentional change than I have ever sought before.
It is scary. It is exciting. I am ready, I am terrified.
But the difference is, this year I know that I am strong. I know that I can do difficult things. I know I can succeed.